TRUE HORROR STORY CHAPTERS 1 AND 2 - The Sticks / Attack of the Bovine

the true horror story! This story i am about to tell you is true. As hard as it is to believe, it is! I wouldn't believe it either if it weren't for one, small, hard to forget fact – I was there! And, I was there because, it happened to me! Can you believe it? I wasn't sure how I got there, and I wasn't sure where there was. I knew for certain that I was standing in a field – a farm land type of place. The type that has barns and corn fields and shit. Anyway. I woke up and started to look around. Next thing I know, I am in a pretty sweet pair of overalls. I looked behind me and there I saw an old tore up looking drive-in theater screen. It was very cold outside, the sun must have just rose. I started walking towards the sign and I saw that there was a door way leading in to a type of shed behind the screen. I entered. It looked as though the place hadn't been entered in years, well at least not by people. There was bird shit everywhere! I noticed something moving outside though through one of the many cracks and holes in the wood. There was a woman laying in the field. She sat up and looked like she didn't know what was going on either. She began to call a man's name. I didn't recognize it so I didn't think that she was calling out to me. She was extremely beautiful. She was heading right for the screen. The voyeur in me stayed and watched her walking around in confusion. I bumped something with my foot. I looked down to see what it was and I found a plastic bag. I reached down and picked it up. Inside the bag, looking right back up at me, was a severed head. It must have been slightly fresh, there was still blood filling up in the bag. I figured that this is probably who the woman was looking for. I thought I would she if she wanted it. I step out of the other side of the shed and kinda snuck up on her I guess. I wasn't trying to startle her or anything, I was just being creepy for fun I guess. She looked inside the shed and decided that she didn't want to go inside. She took a step back and turned and ran right into my chest. She screamed and I lit a cigarette. I tried to tell her that she didn't have to scream and that she should calm down. She finally did. She told me that her and her boyfriend were driving last night and that their car broke down. Her boyfriend went of to get help and the next thing she could remember was waking up here in the field under the drive-in screen. Since I can't seem to remember anything from before me waking up in the field either, I asked if I was her boyfriend. This question seemed to both confuse her and make her a teeny bit anxious. I figured if I wasn't her boyfriend that the head in the bag belonged to him. I showed her the bag. She wouldn't touch it. But, she did glance in. she screamed. I thought that this would be a good time to kinda ask her out I my own little way, or at least start the flirting. "I'll trade you this head for let's say your panties. Deal? Do we have an accord?" She started to run. I know! I couldn't believe it either. Suddenly the bag in my hand was a very large sledgehammer. I figured it was for smashing so when the woman tripped over her enormously large feet, I brought the sledge down on the side3 of her skull. She was much more pleasant to be around when she wasn't yelling and screaming about shit that I didn't understand. I looked in the shed and found an old dirty blanket. I grabbed it down. There were quite a few black widows on it so I got rid of those pesky critters and was walking back towards my little silent sunshine when I saw an apple tree right on the other side of this small wooden fence that broke up the land between this drive-in and that farm. This was the first time that I noticed all the bovine that was starring me down. It was a little creepy because of quiet and cold the morning was, and also because I had no idea who or where I was. In fact, this could be my farm and this could be my cattle which makes those fucking apples, MINE! I hoped the fence and grabbed myself an apple. This disturbed my cattle. They started making a lot more noise then they were when I was on the other side of the fence. So maybe they aren't mine. My God, maybe I'm stealing someones apples! Or, they might not like me because I'm the one that sends them to slaughter? I'll go with that one. It makes me feel a little less guilt. I laid out the blanket. I thought that me and my new friend could have a picnic. I know it is just apples, but apples are good, right? I snuggled up next to her, spooning her while I ate my very delicious apple. I tried to offer her some but it seems that the lazy bitch already went back to sleep. I'm sitting here thinking to myself, "Damn bitch! Your lazy ass just woke up not more than a half hour ago and your ass is asleep again." No matter, I had fun making funny faces at her that she couldn't see. I thought that it was about time to take her back to what I hoped was my house up on the farm over there, get cleaned up and get down to fornicating with my new friend here. When I got up, her eyes opened, and she tried to crawl away. I hit her in the back with the sledge. She pretty much stopped at that point. I picked her up and put her down on the center of the blanket. I wrapped both sides around her, lit a cigarette and began to drag her through the field toward the house on the hill. I kinda scraped her face3 on the bottom of the small wooden fence I walked over it and pulled the blanket through the bottom. I thought for sure she would clear it. My bad. The bovine! They were intense. They were screaming in their moo talk like none other. And they were hopping and running. I did not know that cattle hopped. Did you know that? We made it to the house. It seemed empty. I hollered out for anyone, no one popped their head out, so I proceeded into my home. I think I broke the woman's back. When I sat her up it cracked really loud and screamed. Then when I let go of her, she dropped to the floor like a sack of dead hookers in a duffel bag. No, I'm just kidding, I've never put dead hookers in a duffel bag. I grabbed her from under her arms and lifted her up onto the table in the dining room. That's when I saw that she couldn't move her legs. SCORE! Anyhow. I got out the duct tape that I always carry in my back pocket and taped the upper half of her body to the table. I ripped off the cloths that she had on, or what was left of them (there wasn't really that much there to begin with). She screamed again. She said, "Please don't. Please don't. Don't hurt me anymore." I said "OK." "I'll let you have your way with me," she said, "as long as you don't kill me. I don't want to die." "OK" I said, "sounds fair. But I tell ya, I can't fuck on an empty stomach. I'm gonna need to eat something first." So, I put on my lobster eating bib, got out my fork and knife and then I heard her scream. "what now?" I said. "Don't hurt me, please." "Hurting ya? Hell, I'm eating ya out! I heard you ladies loved that!" I slammed my fork right down in her vagina and cut out a big juicy chunk and took a bite. "A couple more bites like that one, and I'll be ready to do all the fucking you want sugar pants!" true horror story chapter 2 This story i am about to tell you is true. As hard as it is to believe, it is! I wouldn't believe it either if it weren't for one, small, hard to forget fact – I was there! And, I was there because, it happened to me! Can you believe it? After i was done with my lunch, i thought that i should look around my farm. i know you are wondering if i got to the fuckin' or not but i will let you use your imagination. i had a lot of land it looked like. i was very impressed with myself. i said to myself, "Self, i am very impressed with us." I agreed. The bovine had to be up to no good. they were giving my and myself the evil eye. i walked over a small hill and saw a small dilapidated shack. this is when i said to myself, "Self, you really should take care of your shit." I agreed. Once i got inside the little shack, i noticed that i wasn't singing to myself the last five minutes as i have been walking around like i once thought. but, i was singing on the radio! "Wow!" i thought, "that's weird." Then i saw that there was a giant poster of my head above the radio. "Wow!" i thought, "that's weird." but all my worries went away when i saw that there was a bottle of scotch, a pack of smokes and a porno magazine on the floor next to me. I took a sip of the scotch, lit a smoke, and peeked at the porno and thought i should save it for later and rolled it up and put it in my back pocket. I exited the shack and started walking back to my house when i saw this old farmer with a shotgun running towards me. he yelled, loud! "Hello Mr. Farmer Man." i said, "get the fuck off my property." "Your property? are you crazy or something? You have til the count of three before i blow you full of buckshot ya queer!" "Wow!" i thought, "that's weird." The cattle and now horses that i don't recall being around were now starting to circle me. i was out numbered. "One!" uhhhh. "Two!" Shit fuck shit fuck "Three!" He let a shot off and i cringed. i looked down to see that he missed me all together. Right when i was about to laugh at him for being a horrible shot, something ZAPPED passed my head. not a bullet, but a LASER! I looked around to see where this could be coming from and then i saw the strangest thing, lasers were being fired out of the head and asses of the horses and the cattle! No shit! "Wow!" i thought, "that's weird." ZAP! One hit me alright. Right in my front butt! Right in the crotch. i looked down and saw that the plumbing seemed to be OK, it just made a huge hole in my pants. And then something even stranger happened, stranger than the cattle and horses shooting laser beams out of the heads and asses, my penis grew to ten times the size! My urethra opened up to a diameter of about 4 1/2 to five inches across. My balls swelled like they never have before. this wasn't just an ordinary erection, my hard on was that of steel! "Wow!" i thought, "that's weird." I looked one of the horses dead in the eye and an uncontrollable urge forced a huge glob of semen filled lead right through the skull of the horse, exploding its head like a puppy in a microwave! The bovine were pissed now. I was greatly outnumbered like i said prior but with my awesome penis and move that would make a ninja cry into his ninja star shaped pillow, I shot loads out and decimated the threat of angry beef and glue. The farmer was nowhere to be found. i walked around the now quiet field trying to figure out how i could ever get my penis back to its normal size and shape of 1" x 2" x 1" (it is much more manageable that way), i stumbled upon a door. A door that just stood here in the middle of nowhere. i opened the door and walked inside. i was no longer at the farm. it was dark. the door slammed behind me.